I could blog about the frustration of how people mistreat us in public, or how I think we are going to have to change therapists again, or how Logan's fixations and meltdowns are ever present. I have covered most of these topics and will cover them again here I am sure.
I was thinking a lot today about being so frustrated and overwhelemed all the time. I don't remember ever needing to vent this much in my entire life. What was life like before autism? What happened to my dreams and aspirations?
Who was I before I became Autism Mom, Warrior, Advocate, and Crybaby? Who was I? I used to have dreams. I used to dream of being a writer or a journalist. I was editor of my high school newspaper and won lots of journalism awards and had my writing published. I changed paths and went into the medical field and was darn good at what I did. The biggest challenge I ever had to face was whether to wear white after labor day. Those days are gone.
Now I am constantly trying to decide if we should do floor time versus ABA. I am trying to decide if I should peel the grape or give it to Logan with the skin on it because he doesn't like the texture. I have to plan a trip to Walmart like a CIA operative. Every turn, twist, and bend in the road has to be strategically planned out with backup plans and Plan B options. I have never had to think ahead so much in my entire life.
There are lots of things in my life that should be celebrated and my children are at the top of that list. I don't mean to sound like a Debbie-Downer. I just seem to always have plenty to say about the negatives and the down-side of raising children with autism.
I think it is selfish to think about my dreams and wishes, so I push them out of my mind. I think that may be why I am finding myself more and more negative. I can't even remember the last time I had my hair cut? Everyone keeps saying, "Oh, you are growing your hair out!". I just smile. Truth is...I hate it. I just can't find an hour to make an appointment at the salon and then there is the dilemma of who will keep Logan.
There is this little part of me that wants to cry and stomp my feet and bang my head. I want to go to the mall and go shopping...alone. I want to drive the beach and stay for the weekend. I want to get a pedicure and manicure. Just little things that lots of women do that I don't get to do. At this point in my life dreams aren't even really dreams...they are just simple daily activities that normal women do that I don't get to do. I am sad about it.
So when I hear a woman complaining about how she wants to go back to school and get her Masters but she has to wait until her kids are out of school, I cringe because all I can think is how I need a pap smear and can't get one. What is wrong with me? This is not the right attitude, but I can't shake these negative feelings and jealousy that has started creeping up on me.
I am jealous when I read on Facebook that one of my friends is about to start their vacation. I am jealous when I see a Facebook status that says "Girls Night". I am even jealous when I read, "Just read the best book on my Kindle". These things are foreign to me because I am cleaning crayon out of my child's mouth, wiping poop off the crib bars, and heading off meltdowns.
The insanity has to stop. I don't like the person that I am becoming. It seems I can be positive and inspirational to every parent out there raising a child with autism, other than myself.
Going to start working on cleansing my mind and my attitude. It all starts with me, not the autism.
