The Evolution of Autism Motherhood

I remember when I first suspected my oldest son had some form of Autism.  To be honest, I had never really heard of Aspergers Syndrome and only had those stereotypical mindsets about autism (boy would I learn quickly).  I remember the exact moment that the color drained from my face. 

My oldest son had always had some problems behaviorally and was in all honesty, eccentric.  I would bring him into the pediatrician's office and it began to become so frequently they needed a revolving door for us.  I always got the same professional answer over the years everytime I said..."My son doesn't act like the other children"..."Why can't he tie his shoes?  He is seven!"..."Is it normal for him to never use the bathroom in public and wet the bed still?  He is 11!"..."Is it normal for him to play in his room for hours and never associate with the rest of the family?".  He's fine...it's just a phase.

I was sitting in the living room about a year and a half ago on my laptop and I saw those news feeds that come across your homepage..."Plane lands on side of runway"..."President Obama preparing for summit"..."Four members of the same family all suffer from the same disorder".  Back up.  What?  This peaked my interest.  How could four members of the same immediate family all have the same disorder.  I clicked on it.  "A mother, father, and their two sons are all suffering from Asperger's Syndrome", it read.  Asperger's Syndrome?  What in the world is that?  Curious as I always am I began typing it in the search engine and link after link popped up.  I began reading and minutes turned to hours and hours turned to sadness and then my eyes filled with tears.  I shut my laptop and began to panic.  How could something like this have escaped me?  How could it "just be a phase" or "he'll grow out of it"?  It was 10:00pm and everyone was asleep and I remember just pacing and feeling like I couldn't breathe.  I picked up the phone and called my mother.  "Have you ever heard of Asperger's Syndrome?", I asked frantically.  She said she had vaguely heard of it but didn't know a lot about it. 

First thing the next morning I transferred my son to a different pediatrician and began to tell them my suspicions and immediately he was set up for a referral to a child psychologist.  After 12 hours of intense testing...the verdict was in.  High functioning Autism, probably Aspergers.  Devastated.  Absolutely devastated.   I was faced with so many emotions at that time...anger, sadness, depression, dispair.  If there was something to feel bad about I could associate with it.  I stayed like this for quite a while...just fighting mad and bitter as hell.  I wanted to sue the original pediatricians for dismissing my worries and concerns.  I invisioned myself walking in there and sliding the front glass open at the reception desk and screaming..."Grow out of it?  You think he is going to grow out of it?!?!". 

I was also a new mother to a new son in our family of four boys, so dealing with the stress of finding out your oldest child has a devastating diagnosis and taking care of a newborn was about to do me in.  As the months progressed I began to settle into the idea of now knowing that there was a name for the peculiar behaviors my child had exhibited.  I began to understand him better and began to understand the disorder and the autism spectrum with a clearer understanding.

As the year progressed we began to see that our baby was not progressing developmentally and was not meeting his milestones.  Immediately we began to take notice that something wasn't quite right.  In fear of having to deal with years and years of no one listening to me with my oldest son, I began to take a proactive stance with my baby's pediatricians.  I pleaded that something was wrong.  "He is eight months old and can't roll over"  "He is 11 months old and can't sit up by himself".  "He doesn't babble".  The final straw came when at 21 months old my baby still couldn't walk.  I started researching again and knew immediately what we were dealing with...I asked for every test there was genetically and behaviorally.  The answers came swiftly this time...he had a chromosome mutation and Autism. 

History repeats itself, yet this time I was more aware of the problem and knew to advocate and speak up for my son.  As the last year and last few months have passed by I have slowly noticed the anger slipping away and there isn't even one drop of bitterness left in me.  It's more like those things have been replaced with a passion...a burning desire to make my children stronger.  I want to make up for the years my oldest lost in therapies and developmental help.  I want to help others.  I want to prevent this from happening to someone else.  All the gut-wrenching feelings have metamorphasied into something beautiful...a greater love and respect for my children.  The tears and sadness have been replaced with acceptance and laughter.  I am learning to view the world from a different angle and to celebrate even the smallest of accomplishments.  When I think back on things in my life that used to upset me or stress me to my limits, it all seems so trivial now in the grand scheme of things. 

They call Autism a spectrum disorder for a reason...not only are there many labels and classifications for the disorder, but also for the emotions associated with it.  I look back on all the feelings I have felt from the first diagnosis until now and it looks like a virtual rainbow in my mind...from anxiety, to anger, to sadness, to helplessness, to frustration, to acceptance, to happiness, and finally the rainbow stretches all the way down to peace.  I have evolved.