Don't Count Him Out

For two and a half years we have been running in circles between Logan's therapies and appointments...just trying to push him into some sort of normalcy.  It finally dawned on me about 6 months ago that no matter how much he progresses or improves, he will always be autistic and he will never be "normal".  That is hard for a mother to swallow.

I have been reluctantly gathering his toys together for a yard sale.  This has been a very depressing thing for me to do.  You see, there is nothing wrong with these toys except for the fact that they take up space and no one plays with them.  We have bought all sorts of toys in blind faith, hoping and praying that Logan will one day wake up and play with them.  You name it and we have bought it...Thomas the Train sets, Little People, ride on toys, McDonald's play/pretend toys, Spiderman, Buzz Lightyear, and of course the stuffed animals.  They all line the walls and just stare blankly from across the room.  It is almost like they are begging me to take them to a child that will love them.  Logan has thrown them across the room, broken their arms and legs off, and destructed most of them.  He has never truly "played" with them.  He has no concept of playing pretend and that is common with most children with autism.  The stuffed animals are the worst of the toys for Logan.  He doesn't like the way they feel and if you touch him with a stuffed animal he screams and has a meltdown. 

We have been trying to get him hug a teddy bear since he was a few months old and the reaction we would get from that was not pleasant.  His occupational therapist determined that stuffed animals pose lots of sensory problems for Logan.  First, most of them have fleece or fur that he has a tactile aversion to.  She also determined that he doesn't like to look toys "in the eye".  We started noticing that she was right...he would have nothing to do with any toys that had faces or eyes.  Just like people, he did not want to engage the toys or make eye contact with them.  For over a year and a half, he has been receiving therapy to help him tolerate the touch and feel of a stuffed animal and therapy to help him learn to "play" with them and show them affection.  This has been a very difficult process. 

This therapy started out with letting Logan jump on the trampoline (which is something he loves to do) while his therapist rubbed a stuffed animal under his shirt, across his arms, and down his legs.  It was not a well-received practice but eventually, week by week, he began to accept and tolerate the practice.  A few months ago she switched to a furry mouse puppet that she would put on her hand and pretend to talk to Logan.  He was terrified of the mouse and didn't want any part of it.  He would tell the mouse "go" and "no" and would scream for her to put it away.  Over the last month he has allowed her to play with the mouse and he has actually put his hand in the puppets mouth, squealed with laughter, and rubbed the mouse.  It is amazing what his therapist can get him to accomplish.  I accepted that this was tolerance and that he may never love a stuffed animal or even want one but that he could now at least tolerate the idea and not freak out everytime he saw one.  I was satisfied with that. 

I have several bags and piles of toys stacked up in Logan's room waiting for a free weekend to have our yard sale.  I have a pile of beautiful stuffed teddy bears and stuffed puppies that were given to him as a newborn that he has never shown any interest in.  There is a monkey in a red jogging suit that we gave him on his first Valentine's Day that was met with screams and violent behavior.  There is a soft little blue bunny my mother gave him for his first Easter.  None of these toys have ever been hugged or loved like they would have been if they had been given to a different toddler...a toddler without autism.  I have been hoping someone would buy them at the yard sale and give them to a child that would appreciate them.

Last night at bedtime I told Logan to tell everyone goodnight and he did his usual repetition of "nite nite" "nite nite" "nite nite" all the way through the house.  I picked him up and swung him over the baby gate and saw him take off into his bedroom.  I climbed over the gate and rounded the corner into his room only to find him standing there with his back to me at the pile of stuffed animals.  I stopped and watched for a minute.  He bent down and picked up the brown stuffed dog that my grandmother had given him when he was born.  He brought it up to his face and looked at it and then turned around and said "Bear".  I said..."Yes, it is a teddy bear"...even though it was a dog.  It didn't matter at that point.  He wrapped his little arms around it and gave it a hug and said "nite nite".  I said, "Would you like the bear to go 'nite nite' with you?".  He walked toward his crib with the bear in his hand.  I picked him up and layed him on the pillow and told him that I loved him and I gave him a kiss and he leaned over and kissed his "bear".  He closed his eyes. 

I walked out of his bedroom and cried like a baby.  They weren't sad tears and they weren't happy tears.  I think they were tears of relief.  He can show affection.  He can be interested in things that other children are interested in.  He doesn't need to be written off.  I learn a new lesson every week and this week was no different.  He might take him a little extra time and a little prompting and patience...but I will never say that my child isn't "normal" again and I will never count him out.